this never happens.

it’s rare that i get texts from my friends, it’s even more rare that my siblings text me, especially my oldest brother. we havent really had a one-on-one conversation in a very long time, i moved out of his house last August, and never reconnected. even though we all have every form of social media ever invented, yet still managed to never speak. ironic isnt it?

it was just a simple text: “Hey, how are you doing? How’s life?” it was the strangest thing to receive a text from him. 

at first i didnt want to respond just out of pure spite, because i dont have relationships with my siblings, we don’t talk. ever.  therefore i dont see us as friends, but i ended up texting him back informing him about how i was making dinner, which then led him to reply that what i was making sounded yummy and that he wanted some but would have to take a rain check because he’s all the way on the other side of country. he then proceeded to tell me about the latest music artist he was obsessing over. it was a decent and light conversation to which i quite enjoyed. 

my siblings & i are all very different people with very few common interests to say the least. it’s not that i dont want to be their friend, it’s just that i’m the second youngest out of six kids. they say they “see” me as an adult but continue to treat me like a child. as if “little Mela” will always be innocent, i believe it’s more of how they act around me without realizing it. i have so much anger built up towards my older siblings, how they left the house & got married leaving me behind when i needed my sisters the most. i’m not close to my sisters like most sisters are, i get jealous when i see sisters getting along and i wish i had that. i’m always the third wheel whenever i hangout with my sisters. it’s a weird concept that i don’t have a dire need to be their friend. maybe it’s because they never took the time to get to know me, or embrace the person i’ve become and disagree with everything i like, as if “proving a point” would change my mind. 

but anyhow, back to my oldest brother. we’ve been through a lot, i look up to him and i think he’s the coolest guy ever. (i’m guessing this is “little Mela” talking right about now) i can’t help that being a younger sibling i look to all of my older siblings. how jacked up is that? i can’t feel the need to be their friend, yet i look up to them? wanting to win their approval at any given moment. this is exactly what i dreamt about the other night:

i was performing at a broadway musical, my family was sitting in the front row. out of the corner of my eye i saw their expressions at how amazed they were by my talent. they applauded, and told me they were so proud and happy i made something of myself. 

i guess thats why a dream is a dream: it shows the things you long for the most. 

all i want is to show them that i can be something more than what they thought i would be. they secretly believe in me, keeping me grounded & level headed. i hope that one day we can be closer than what we are now and that they’ll be proud of their little sister. 

1996:

2010: